Being a Better Person

What does it mean at the end of the day to be a better person; I have wrestled with this idea and phase for the longest time now. One could say I never felt like a better person even knowing most people do tell me I am, I feel I have never reached a standard I have set for myself that I think I can’t reach. Meaning I think I have set the bar so high that I could never reach it even if I wanted to.

I have always tried my damndest to be a better person, either by helping out others or making people laugh and have fun. I try to make people feel comfortable around me all the time and have fun no matter what is going on in my life. I always tried to be a good person when I can and do the right thing but now I don’t know if it’s all worth it anymore.

But lately I have been jealous of what it would seem like everyone, I feel like I missed out on something and now it’s too late for me to join anymore. Not only that but it seems like I am always behind now on everything and can’t get a break at least once in a while, my jealousy is making me act different and think differently than before because its clouding my mind so no rational thoughts can be made. I feel like my life is over before it began to tell the truth, like I had to always watch my friends go on and succeed or achieve great things while I just sat on the sides lines and cheered for them, but in the back of my mind I was always saying “When is it my turn to shine?”. I had to sacrifice a lot and make do with what I had and never complained but I want more for my family and me and does that make me a bad person to think that way, does it make me less of a person to want better things? My life revolves around me taking care of my family something I have had to do since High School, making sure everything is ok and that food is in the house no matter what, I always believed these sacrifices made me a better person and built my character better since both of sisters are careless b*tches that upped left when they could, so I have had this weight on my chest all the time.

Out of my whole family only two people ever graduated High School and that is me and my mother, and I am only one to go on in my education in my family's entire history to get a Associates Degree. I am proud of this fact I was willing and able to do it and had the drive to go on and accomplish something like that a small feet to most but a big step to me.

So at the end of the day I always feel like I am not a better person like I have yet to reach that bar I have set for myself. You could say I do hold myself at a higher bar then most would ever set for themselves, why I don’t know but it’s like I expect myself to do more than I can. The fact I was born in June does not help by Gemini sign is correct, I feel like I am always battling myself over this all the time. And no matter what there is never a clean cut answer too.

Reflections

When you look into the mirror the reflection back should be of you

What happens when it is not there?

What happens when your reflection is of someone you don’t recognize?

What happens when the reflection does not fit you?

What happens when the reflection is not there?

Where do you go?

Where do you look?

Where do you start?

The Journey begins somewhere but where indeed,

Between the Start and End points that is called the journey or road, but finding the beginning is harder than the end

My Mirror Image

The Hardest thing to write about is you at the end of the day

Every morning I have to wake up and look at my face in the mirror and the reflection back at me is one I can’t stand anymore. Not for the person I have become on the inside no it’s vein part of me that looks at my outer shell and goes “That's Not Right”. When I was created or birthed which ever you choose to believe I was handicapped from early on for not being ok looking to being down right hideous, for speaking my mind when I shouldn’t have, being laughed at for almost all of my life.

My reflection mocks me and is a consist reminder of the sad fact I will be nothing in due time, my reflection lets me know no matter how many people I help, no matter what I do it’s all in the end not going to be worth it.

Being born in the month of June did not help me, because now that I am a Gemini my two sides always clash and do battle. One side says I have do a lot and will continue to and too just hold in there that’s its always darkest before light, the other side says look you are nothing and will always be nothing no matter what you do or who you help. These two sides of me clash over and over so much so I believe both of them to be true and the fact is I would have never had these thoughts if a girl would have not screwed me over years ago. Until that day I would have never second guessed myself or been so deep into my thoughts but now that has all changed me.
The harshest critic of you is you at the end of the day.

I hate my reflection in the mirror and want these voices to stop; I am a better person now than ever but my reflection tells me different like a permanent scar on my soul she left that I can’t remove no matter what I do. During the day I can silent that voice because of work I do and who I have to look after, but at night when it’s me and my thoughts they always find their way into my mind.

At the end of the day my soul is locked in an eternal struggle between what I know and my reflection in the mirror.



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When Will Consoles see a AO Game

In a conversation I had yesterday with a Friend on TripleChat.com I started thinking to myself "When Will we see a AO rated game on the consoles?"

For many developers and publishers the AO rating by the ESRB(Entertainment Software Rating Board) is like a death sentence to the game, meaning no big retailer nor console maker will give it a license. But in order for industry to mature and grow artists have to be able to express themselves and at the same time be allowed to explore and push the boundaries of that field of art they are in.

Its a balancing act between AO and M rated games that sometimes developers have to juggle with ease because the line between getting a AO game from M is sometimes a blurry line to say the least. Many see AO games as being over sexualized with tons of violence in them, but for many its the subject matter that makes them AO not the content so much. The actual rating system for AO is somewhat hard to understand too, the only difference between M and AO rated games is about 1 year difference. In fact look at the definitions of each for M rated and AO rated games.

Titles rated M (Mature) have content that may be suitable for persons ages 17 and older. Titles in this category may contain intense violence, blood and gore, sexual content and/or strong language.

Titles rated AO (Adults Only) have content that should only be played by persons 18 years and older. Titles in this category may include prolonged scenes of intense violence and/or graphic sexual content and nudity.

Nudity seems to be the problem that some have with games, and then associate them with Pornography on those lines. But Sex / Nudity is part of life no matter what you think, in fact we re all here because of Sex and I have a feeling its going to stay that way. In American Life today we want Sex but instead of admitting it we hide it from ourselves and try to believe we can control it by hiding it under the rag even knowing we know its there. Many clam its for the greater good to have no sex or nudity in a game, greater good why should one person or group decide what is better for the greater good of the people. While one group sees sex as bad and evil the other see it as natural and normal part of life.

We will see a AO game someday but when is the question, since more and more developers are told to axe certain scenes because of subject matter or sexual content and replace it something else maybe a fight scene or something on those lines. For now if nudity or sexual content is up front in the game there will always be a problem unless you weave it into the games storyline with a small bit placed nicely in the game.

I know if AO games got published that many retailers would not carry them stores like BestBuy, CircuitCity, Wal-Mart and even K-mart will not handle Adult materials. But while they will not carry them other stores would be glad to from Adult Bookstores to Fry's Electronics who pride themselves on carrying Adult Movies or Adult materials.

Until developers are allowed to touch on AO games and make them for Adults the industry will never really grow out of its Teens into a fully mature industry. The Industry has made great progress but now its at a stalemate for now, do we continue making the same old games or do we touch on that raw nerve?

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