Be My Valentine

I love Valentine's Day and hate it all the same too. I spend year after year of it alone here, not by choice but by design it would seem.

See fellow readers of this never looked at blog of mine, long time ago I knew a girl her name was "Destiny". Destiny was a girl I thought like me for me and wanted to be with me. Turned out she never like nor loved me and ended up hurting me in a way I will never forget no matter what I try to do. I did everything right with her and treated her as nice as you could imagine possible, some how that was not good enough for her never would be to her. I would give her little notes, flowers, and random stuff that made me think about her when I saw it. To her it never really matter I could tell and she just played along spinning a web to trap me in. When she finally sprung her trap I feel hard and thought I would never be the same again. From once seeing Love, Beauty, and Hope I only saw Betrayal, heartache, and Lies. From being a fun loving and happy go lucky guy I turned into a bitter, mean and violent person to know. I became cold and angry for a long time I lived like that.

But one day that all changed, I met a girl that seemed to have changed all that for me. She is a wonderful and caring person that saw me for me and didn't laugh nor run away. She gave me a new refound hope in myself and belief that I should not give up and just get back up and in it. It was a great day when I met her and it slowly turned into a great thing for me. Just her talking to me could lift me up when I feel down, just her mere words or voice can make me forget all my troubles and bring me back to life. She brings me hope and care along with her little ways that I just love.

Even knowing I can't be there on this Valentine's Day with her, I am there in spirit with her. Even knowing there is distance between us, it still feels like we are so close on this day.

I love you girl with all my heart, and nothing will ever change that ever.

----------------
Now playing: Journey - Don't Stop Believin'
via FoxyTunes

Being a Better Person

What does it mean at the end of the day to be a better person; I have wrestled with this idea and phase for the longest time now. One could say I never felt like a better person even knowing most people do tell me I am, I feel I have never reached a standard I have set for myself that I think I can’t reach. Meaning I think I have set the bar so high that I could never reach it even if I wanted to.

I have always tried my damndest to be a better person, either by helping out others or making people laugh and have fun. I try to make people feel comfortable around me all the time and have fun no matter what is going on in my life. I always tried to be a good person when I can and do the right thing but now I don’t know if it’s all worth it anymore.

But lately I have been jealous of what it would seem like everyone, I feel like I missed out on something and now it’s too late for me to join anymore. Not only that but it seems like I am always behind now on everything and can’t get a break at least once in a while, my jealousy is making me act different and think differently than before because its clouding my mind so no rational thoughts can be made. I feel like my life is over before it began to tell the truth, like I had to always watch my friends go on and succeed or achieve great things while I just sat on the sides lines and cheered for them, but in the back of my mind I was always saying “When is it my turn to shine?”. I had to sacrifice a lot and make do with what I had and never complained but I want more for my family and me and does that make me a bad person to think that way, does it make me less of a person to want better things? My life revolves around me taking care of my family something I have had to do since High School, making sure everything is ok and that food is in the house no matter what, I always believed these sacrifices made me a better person and built my character better since both of sisters are careless b*tches that upped left when they could, so I have had this weight on my chest all the time.

Out of my whole family only two people ever graduated High School and that is me and my mother, and I am only one to go on in my education in my family's entire history to get a Associates Degree. I am proud of this fact I was willing and able to do it and had the drive to go on and accomplish something like that a small feet to most but a big step to me.

So at the end of the day I always feel like I am not a better person like I have yet to reach that bar I have set for myself. You could say I do hold myself at a higher bar then most would ever set for themselves, why I don’t know but it’s like I expect myself to do more than I can. The fact I was born in June does not help by Gemini sign is correct, I feel like I am always battling myself over this all the time. And no matter what there is never a clean cut answer too.