Being a Better Person

What does it mean at the end of the day to be a better person; I have wrestled with this idea and phase for the longest time now. One could say I never felt like a better person even knowing most people do tell me I am, I feel I have never reached a standard I have set for myself that I think I can’t reach. Meaning I think I have set the bar so high that I could never reach it even if I wanted to.

I have always tried my damndest to be a better person, either by helping out others or making people laugh and have fun. I try to make people feel comfortable around me all the time and have fun no matter what is going on in my life. I always tried to be a good person when I can and do the right thing but now I don’t know if it’s all worth it anymore.

But lately I have been jealous of what it would seem like everyone, I feel like I missed out on something and now it’s too late for me to join anymore. Not only that but it seems like I am always behind now on everything and can’t get a break at least once in a while, my jealousy is making me act different and think differently than before because its clouding my mind so no rational thoughts can be made. I feel like my life is over before it began to tell the truth, like I had to always watch my friends go on and succeed or achieve great things while I just sat on the sides lines and cheered for them, but in the back of my mind I was always saying “When is it my turn to shine?”. I had to sacrifice a lot and make do with what I had and never complained but I want more for my family and me and does that make me a bad person to think that way, does it make me less of a person to want better things? My life revolves around me taking care of my family something I have had to do since High School, making sure everything is ok and that food is in the house no matter what, I always believed these sacrifices made me a better person and built my character better since both of sisters are careless b*tches that upped left when they could, so I have had this weight on my chest all the time.

Out of my whole family only two people ever graduated High School and that is me and my mother, and I am only one to go on in my education in my family's entire history to get a Associates Degree. I am proud of this fact I was willing and able to do it and had the drive to go on and accomplish something like that a small feet to most but a big step to me.

So at the end of the day I always feel like I am not a better person like I have yet to reach that bar I have set for myself. You could say I do hold myself at a higher bar then most would ever set for themselves, why I don’t know but it’s like I expect myself to do more than I can. The fact I was born in June does not help by Gemini sign is correct, I feel like I am always battling myself over this all the time. And no matter what there is never a clean cut answer too.